The Girl
by QueenOfQuiet17
Summary: Karen/Grace. Karen takes refuge in a downtown hotel, secluding herself while she figures out if she's truly ready for everything Grace is offering her. Inspired by the song "The Girl" by Jill Hennessy. Now complete.
1. Prologue

**NOTE: **While the events in this story are of my creation, I do not own the characters involved, nor do I own the lyrics to Jill Hennessy's "The Girl," some of which are in italics in this chapter.

Prologue: October 2001

_How do you dare, honey? Where do you get off  
__Laughing at my feeble jokes and listening when I talk?_

This is only hurting me.

You never noticed, or if you did, you never seemed to care. But I've known this for so long. After you brushed my hair back and kissed me against the glow of the moon for the first time. When you pulled away and I looked into your eyes as you smiled brighter than the stars. I knew that whatever came next would only aid in my demise. You always knew my heart was in your hands, and I was so willing to give it to you, Grace. You would keep it safe, I never doubted that. But this ring on my finger is not yours. I made a promise to someone who isn't you. On some level, I knew that I wasn't ready for it, but Stan was all I knew, had been for such a long time. And as time went on, I pushed that thought further and further into the darkest corner of my mind until it was surrounded in pitch black, never to be resurrected.

Then you came along, shining a blinding light on it, bringing it to the forefront. You were so subtle about it at first, as we got to know each other, as I watched you drag your pencil across the paper, listened to your laugh. I could feel you around me, watching me, taking me in. I knew you felt something; I felt it too. But the night you came to me, told me everything we both already knew, that's when you put this little fact in the spotlight. I wasn't ready to be his when I promised him. I wasn't ready for the responsibility, for all the expectations and standards that came along with it.

Even after these years with him, I'm still not ready. And now that it's so clear, I can't handle this, playing a part for him while you're showing me everything I'm missing. I can't handle any of it.

I could never remember who I was before Stan. We had fallen into a routine, his routine, and little by little, everything I knew began to fade away until I was someone I couldn't recognize. It scared me at first, this transformation into some woman I never met. But as the days went by, I got used to it, I learned her actions, her speech. I deluded myself into thinking I was perfectly content. This routine was safe. I knew what would happen. Even as Stan became more and more distant, I was safe.

But you showed me what was wrong with everything I had come to know, everything I was used to. You listened to me when I spoke, took everything about me in, loved me for who I was, not who I could transform into. You shook everything up until I couldn't recognize anything anymore.

How could you do this to me? I was so safe before. What am I supposed to do now, Grace? Who am I supposed to be?

_But I love the way your skin feels after midnight  
__You hold my hand so tightly while you sleep_

I wish I could be angry with you, make you out to be the bad one so it's easy for me to go back to him after our kiss goodbye. I try to feign anger, thinking that I'll soon believe it, that it will soon become a part of me just like how I fit into Stan's life. But it never works. As soon as we find ourselves alone at night in my empty home, your empty apartment, underneath the sheets, whispering secrets and plans for our future, it fades. As soon as you say my name, as soon as I look into your eyes, as soon as I feel your skin against mine, it disappears and I don't miss it.

I love to feel your grasp on my hand as you close your eyes; you never let go, you never weaken your hold as sleep takes you. I love to feel you against me as your breathing evens out. The small things you give me that he no longer does. He did at one point, but those memories are long gone. I wonder how you ever came to love me. When you're dreaming, I wonder why you chose me, why you're so willing to go to such great lengths to hide this from the ones that would never understand just so we can be fully happy with no outside criticism. You've been so good to me, Grace; you've done so much for me. You've begun to show me who I was before I met Stan, the person I thought was gone, the person I thought had died when he took my hand. Little by little, this girl is starting to take shape, and I can finally be the person I was. But they are only small pieces, never creating a whole figure, and this is all I can ever give you. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you more. You deserve more. But this is all I have, all I can give. You deserve all the love in the world, but I don't know how much of that I can give to you in such a state.

Tonight I find myself in your room, watching you sleep as the moon struggles to shine through the curtains on your window, safe from Will ever finding out; he was off, maybe in someone else's arms. Your grasp on my hand is as tight as it's always been, your breathing has evened out long ago, and I wonder what you're dreaming about. If you're thinking of me. I wouldn't blame you if you weren't. I twirl one of your beautiful red locks around my finger and realize that I can't keep this up.

This is only hurting me. And if I let this go on any longer, it will start to hurt you too. You will realize that I can give you next to nothing in return for everything you've been so generous to give me. You tell me you love me, I will say it back. But words are all I have, and soon they will grow old.

I've longed to once again be the one I was before I met Stan. I never felt fully ready to become the person I was supposed to become when I stepped into his world. But now that you've shown me the world I missed, I realize that I've been away from it for so long, that I can't dive in like I thought I would be able to do. I love you, Grace. Believe me. One day I will fully realize what you are to me, what you have given me and shown me, one day I will take it all in instead of taking it all for granted, and I will be able to give you all of me instead of the small pieces you dusted off. One day I will be able to leave him, leave everything I have known for so long, and run into your arms without hesitation. But I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. And as much as it kills me to pull away from your grasp and kiss you goodbye, it's the only thing I know how to do right now. I can't go back home. I'll manage; find some place to stay while I figure out who exactly I am. And when I do, I'll come find you. I'll pick up the phone, dial your numbers, apologize for leaving, for not giving you a note. I wouldn't know what to say if I wrote one.

I know I shouldn't run away from everything.

But I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

_I'm not ready for the things I'm supposed to be  
__I'm not ready for the world you gave to me  
__I'm not ready for the girl I'm supposed to be_


	2. Chapter 1

September 1998

She almost didn't hire her. This woman was just about the last person she would ever imagine as her assistant. But she didn't realize who she was just by hearing the name. Karen Walker. She was about to ask her to leave. But then this woman, this Karen, let her know who she was, what her life was like, who she was married to. Her connections. Maybe she wouldn't let Karen go just yet; sure, she lacked the skills required of an assistant, but she could open so many doors with her contacts by just mentioning the place. "Hey, if you ever need your home redecorated, Grace Adler Designs is the place to go." Sure, she would be using Karen, but on some level, wasn't that bound to happen to her at some point, taking into consideration her wealth, her power? She wouldn't have to get to know Karen, she wouldn't have to become attached; it would be easier that way. She wouldn't feel as bad taking her on just for the people she knew.

But there was something about her that Grace found so intriguing. She couldn't put her finger on it, like if she passed someone on the street that made her head turn just a little bit, something about her that invaded her mind and wouldn't leave but still remained a mystery. And ever since Danny left the picture, her mind was no longer focused on her relationship with him, but seemed to gravitate towards this woman. And although she had every intention of keeping any conversation with Karen to a minimum—it was obvious to the both of them that they were polar opposites, and most likely never would have met if Karen hadn't walked through her door out of boredom and a desire to get away from her husband for a little while—Grace wanted to know this woman. She wanted to understand her.

The only thing was, she knew Karen would never feel the same way, or if she did, she would do her best to hide it. Even if this condescending, high maintenance socialite figure were a show she put on in order to fit the life she married into, she would never let on. Which meant, Grace believed, that she would never even think of diving into a friendship with the woman who hired her.

There had to be more to her, though. There had to be something she's hiding, something she knew makes everyone want more. Maybe she was just playing confident to hide the fact that underneath it all, she was just as lost as Grace was, just as fragile, just as scared. Maybe she was hiding the fact that they share more qualities that Karen may care to. But there was something more, there wasn't any doubt about that. And Grace wanted nothing more than to figure it out.

Grace caught little glimpses of her during work, as she was pretending to concentrate on a sketch or trying to focus on a phone call. She watched as Karen started so intently at the magazine in her hands, as she so delicately and absently ran her finger around the rim of her glass, as she did anything but tasks that actually resembled work. At times, Grace would lose herself in Karen's actions, watching her until Karen was the only thing she was aware of, everything else just fading away. She would usually look away, return to her work without Karen ever noticing, but there were those rare instances where she would get caught. The look that she saw in her eyes, confused, wondering. Grace would immediately get back to work, run into the swatch room, pick up the phone and dial any number that came to her mind, something to avoid the awkward conversation that was bound to happen. One day, she promised herself, she'll gather up some sort of courage to face it head on. It just hasn't happened yet.

There was something about her that Grace found so intriguing. She couldn't put her finger on it.

But she wasn't giving up just yet.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 2001

When I woke up, you weren't there. I couldn't feel your hand in mine, and I panicked. I can't remember a morning where I woke up and didn't feel you next to me. I always made sure to keep a tight hold on your hand, because I knew I couldn't take it if you ever decided to leave me in the middle of the night. And I always thought that maybe you wouldn't be able to if I had a tight enough hold on you through the night.

Okay, I admit it's a little childish, me thinking something like that would actually work. But it hadn't failed me; it was always something that I could count on.

Until now.

You seemed fine last night. At most, maybe you were a little distant, but it was nothing that was unusual. You had just left home for the night; you had just said goodbye to Stan. It always made you a little distant, and I thought nothing of it. I thought that as the night went on, you would open up like you always do. You would be mine once again. But you were just out of reach last night.

I tried. I tried to make you laugh, or at least smile. I tried to resurrect moments from our past, when we first met, our happier times, to see how far we've come. I tried to get you to say something, no matter how simple, just to hear your voice once again. I wanted whatever pain you had inside you to disappear, and as much as I tried to erase it, my feeble attempts weren't working like they used to. So I just pulled you in closer, felt your warmth against my skin, smiled as you settled your head against my chest.

We didn't need words, I thought. We didn't need anything except this moment. Your warmth, my smile. They're all we ever needed in the past. But last night was different. I couldn't reach you like I always could before. And I felt helpless.

We were safe last night; I knew Will wouldn't be home that night. He had told me where he would be, but I wasn't listening. All I was focusing on was the fact that I would be able to spend the night with you, with no worries. Maybe that's what you didn't like about last night; we were safe. Every other night, there was always that certain fear of being caught by Stan, by Will, by anyone who couldn't know this brilliant secret we were keeping. I just wish I would have known what it was that was occupying your mind.

I took your hand as we lay in bed, like I always did at night. And as I was about to close my eyes, you spoke so softly, I almost dismissed it.

"Do you love me?"

I turned around and looked at you for a second, taking in that sentence. Did you honestly doubt me whenever I told you? I whispered back to you. "Of course I do." You gave me a little smile and buried your face into my back as I rested my head on my pillow, your arm around my waist as I tightened my hold on your hand. I got you to open up. And I couldn't wait to wake up with you in the morning.

But as the sun rose, I couldn't feel you around me like every other morning. Your hand wasn't in mine. If I had known that your final question to me would help you decide whether or not to leave, I would have done something more to make you stay. I wonder now where you went, if you're okay. I just hope you're somewhere safe. I wonder if you're thinking of me. I wonder if you are happy.

I wonder if you will come back to me.

I just hope that soon you will get a hold of me, dial my number, let me know where you are.

All I can do is wait for you.


	3. Chapter 2

November 1998

She wouldn't leave her mind. If there were a brief moment where Grace wasn't invading her thoughts, Karen would not have been able to pick it out. Right from the start, there was something inside her so captivating, but Karen could not for the life of her figure out what it was. But she could see it in the way Grace moved, the way she sighed after a long day, the way her fingers graced the pages in her sketchpad. She had hooked Karen the first day, slowly reeling her in without realizing what it was she was doing. And on some level, Karen didn't want her to realize what she was doing.

There was always that chance of Grace figuring it out, laughing in her face, turning silent, screaming at her, any one of the thousand possibilities Karen had thought of. So she decided that she had to keep as much distance from Grace as she could. Perpetuate this myth of the condescending woman with wealth and power that she had so easily believed before Karen ever opened her mouth to speak. Surely with that, she would be able to build the fortress around her needed to keep it all inside. But there wasn't a moment that went by that wasn't filled with a desire to destroy it all, to let Grace in on the secret. It seemed so easy, just to speak the words, but they were powerful. And she realized the damage they could do. So she just kept her mouth shut. Grace probably didn't feel the same way anyway. Why kid herself?

No, it's not true. There has to be some way for Karen to see this. Grace wanted to say the words so badly; inside she was screaming, hoping that one day Karen would hear even the faintest sound and ask what was going on. Two months since she walked into her life, and every day, Grace found herself more and more absorbed in the presence of her. She tried to forget about her. Those few first dates that started in Starbucks and ended nowhere near where she wanted them to never really did the trick. She was always in her mind, in a small corner, right up front in the spotlight; pick a place, Karen, any spot at all. She'll find you.

All of it was just too much to take. Too frustrating, confusing, she couldn't handle it. Every day, it was the same thing, and while she loved the fact that Karen was taking up residence in her thoughts, she almost hated the fact that she could never get away, that she could never have a sense of clear judgment in any of her actions anymore. She needed some way to unleash all of it, let it out so she could move on.

She just never meant to take it out on Karen.

She was the one to pick the fight. Karen just said something in passing, nothing out of the ordinary. And for some reason, Grace decided that this was the way to get past everything. The insults coming out of nowhere, the point of it all becoming less and less known, she didn't know how to react at first when Karen started to defend herself, feed her what she was so carelessly throwing around. And as Karen stormed off, slammed the door and didn't look back, Grace realized what she had done. The door's slam echoing like a constant reminder of the fool she had become.

Grace just stood there, unable to move, unable to believe what she had just witnessed, what she had just taken part in. It was her fault. Karen left because of her, Karen slammed the door because of her. Karen drove off because of her, and Karen was probably hurting because of her too. Grace had never seen her broken down before; she always thought that Karen was someone who was invincible, indestructible. You could do your worst to her, and she would still be standing, completely unharmed. And to see her retreat like that was something Grace was almost certain she made up in her mind. It couldn't have been Karen who walked away. But as she looked around, found the empty desk by the door and silence in every corner, she knew what had just taken place.

The initial shock of it all began to wear off. She had to make it right. She had to go over to her, later in the night, let everything cool down for a while before seeing her again. She had to tell her everything. She had to tell her about the way she dances in her mind, and how it's always been like this. How she doesn't want it to stop.

She had to tell her before she slipped away.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 2001

I still remember that night, when I found you at my door. Stan had flown off to some other land on business, and I had the house to myself, leaving me to think about every wrong move I had made in my relationship with you, every chance I had to make it up to you and didn't take, every hateful and insulting thing I said to make you believe what I thought you had all along. I ran away that day not because of what you said, although I was upset by your words. I knew you never meant them; they were always a tool to get me to listen, for you to get your control back as the boss, for us to get back to work. But for some reason, they hit me harder than I expected them to. And I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry I left so suddenly. It was all I could think about that night, the only thing that kept me company, the thing that I could not escape, even at my strongest attempts.

Then I heard the knock on my door, so delicate and soft. I had a feeling it was you. You were always so delicate with me, seeing me for the fragile one I was.

Your tears were beginning to dry and you looked so weathered, like you had gone through just about everything to make it to my door that night. You didn't say a word; you just stepped inside, moved towards me. Your palm gracing my cheek while the look in your eyes said something I was desperately trying to figure out. And then you kissed me. No words, no explanation. Just the sight of you, the taste of your lips, your chilled skin warming up against my body. It was only after you pulled away from me that you began to tell me everything we already knew. I laughed, not at you, but just as a reaction to the relief I knew we both felt.

We didn't have to hide anymore. We didn't have to pretend. If I had known that a simple act of courage like that was the thing to do, I might have been the one to walk the cold November streets and find you, kiss you, let you feel everything you've been experiencing with no worries. But who am I kidding? I've never been one to face something head on; I've never been one to make the first move. I'm so glad you came to me, Grace. If it weren't for you, we would still be stuck, three years later.

I never realized how you would change my outlook on things, how you would slowly give back to me the soul I had before I met Stan. And as much as I loved it, I was so scared, so confused. For a while, I was able to hide it from you; if you knew, you would only think of it as something you were doing wrong, and that isn't the case. You're perfect, Gracie. You could never do anything wrong. It's all me. Everything. I can't handle something so precious, so beautiful, and I have to run.

I ended up at a hotel downtown. The same one we decided to run to, a small getaway for a week, someplace where no one knew our names and we wouldn't bump into anyone who did. We told lies we hoped were believable, so we were able to make a clean getaway, walked hand in hand along the streets. We belonged to each other, solely to each other, that week. I almost wanted to stay, find a place of our own so we wouldn't have to go back to what we once knew. This possibility, this life, had so generously, and tauntingly opened its arms to us, and I wanted so much to keep it this way. I wasn't scared, I wasn't confused anymore. Stan wasn't here, he was uptown; it seemed like he was in another country. And without him, I saw clearly. With you, I knew what I wanted. I knew that I wanted my old life, the one you were giving to me.

I wanted this. But as Sunday rolled around and we packed up our things, I knew I was headed back to what I was trying to get away from.

They didn't change the rooms from the last time we were here. I walked in, set my key on the table, and lay down on the bed, the way I did as you were walking around the first day, taking in your surroundings. Only this time around, you were not here to smile at me.

I thought if I checked in here, it wouldn't seem like I left you. But it still does.

I hope you are okay. I hope that you aren't too mad with me. I hope that you still love me.

But if you didn't, I would understand.


	4. Chapter 3

April 1999

It was the perfect getaway. Stan would never expect Karen to be staying downtown; she never ventured too far away from what she already knew, except when she went to work for Grace on Lafayette Street. As soon as Grace came up with an excuse to leave for the week, she knew Will would believe her, not go looking for her at her usual haunts or try to check up on her at work like he usually did during the week. They picked a hotel that they never heard of before a couple of blocks away from Grace Adler Designs, checked in under assumed names. No cell phones, no contact with anyone except each other. No one would know who they are; no one would expect anything out of them. It was exactly what they needed.

Grace told Will that there was some sort of convention out of state that she needed to get to. She would be gone for a week. She put her cell phone in her dresser drawer, knowing he wouldn't go into her room, search through her things. He kissed her on the cheek as she stood at the door with her bags packed, wished for her a safe trip, and told her he would miss her. She said goodbye and closed the door, waiting for the taxi that contained Karen and would drive them off to their escape.

Karen's parting didn't go quite as well. She had expected Stan to be out, so she could make a clean getaway without seeing him, without making false excuses and inevitably feeling guilty for running away from his arms and into Grace's. She was almost out the door when he walked in. He asked what was going on, why her things were packed. She thought about Grace's lie to Will, what she knew Grace was going to say to him; she had practiced it with Karen the day before so it wouldn't seem so much like a lie. She murmured to Stan that Grace was going out of town for business and asked for her to come along. Stan was immediately suspicious, asking why Karen decided to go along with it; she never liked Grace before, why leave with her for a week now? She defended herself, snapping at him that she didn't need to justify every decision to him. She slammed the door while he was yelling at her.

She didn't realize that she hadn't taken her cell phone out of her pocket.

Karen was silent on their taxi ride downtown. Grace wanted so badly to break it, to say something that would get her to respond. She just wanted to hear her voice. But when she looked at Karen, Grace knew that she was off in another world; something was on her mind, and Grace was desperate to find a way to bring her back. All she could do was take Karen's hand. Karen jumped a little, almost forgetting that Grace was right beside her, but as she focused on their hands entwined, she rested her head on Grace's shoulder, hoping that she would be the one to take her mind off of Stan.

As they entered their hotel room, everything leading to that moment seemed to slip off of Karen's shoulders. She lay on the bed as Grace walked around the room, watching her as she seemed to float towards the bed and smiled once she noticed Karen was looking at her.

Grace let out a small laugh as she took Karen's hand. "What?"

Karen shook her head. "I just…I love the way you move."

Grace's smile grew wider as she climbed over Karen, her red locks brushing against her lover's body before she rested on the bed, wrapped her arms around the one she loved. Karen could feel her breath against the nape of her neck, her smile against her skin. She turned over to face Grace, felt her lips brush against her own as the room began to fade and she could only feel Grace's fingers sliding down her back, Grace's warmth enveloping her, Grace's presence invading her mind.

Until she felt her cell phone vibrating against her leg.

Stan.

Always the one to come into the picture at the worst time. Always the one to unknowingly steal everything away from her. Karen winced as she silently cursed herself for bringing her phone along, at the same time relieved for silencing her phone beforehand. She moved so that Grace wouldn't be able to feel it too. The last thing she needed was to bring Grace into her tragic story. Grace was her escape from it all; she didn't need to blend her happiness with her misery. Karen went through the motions, kissed Grace when she was kissed, held her hand, whispered in her ear everything she knew she would want to hear. But everything she felt going into it had vanished at the thought of Stan with the phone against his ear, listening to the ring tone hoping to hear her voice on the other end. She realized that he would always find a way to make a place in her life.

And as Grace settled beside her, she realized that she would never truly be free.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 2001

I remember the first night we had together in this hotel. I remember your smile when you looked into my eyes, your smile against my skin before you drifted off to sleep. I remember the wild notion that I would be able to give myself to you entirely, the hope I had when I walked through the door and heard your voice fill the room. I remember how it all came crashing down when he wouldn't stop calling me.

You never knew that. I hid the phone, made sure you wouldn't see that I had accidentally brought a piece of my life with him into my life with you. But that first night, when we had turned the lights off and you were asleep beside me, your hand tightly wrapped around mine like it always is, I was watching the phone move so slightly around the desk in our room with each late night phone call Stan was trying to make. I kept my eyes on it until I couldn't take it anymore and I closed my eyes, hoping to force myself into sleep. In the morning, I made sure that I was up before you were, so that I could hide the phone from you.

I wish I had remembered to take it out of my pocket when I left the house. But I had to get away from Stan. That's all I could think about. I wish I had been able to give all I had of myself to you, the way we had always intended it to be. I'm so sorry.

Signs of life are outside my window; the speeding cars, people walking the late night streets, not wanting to turn in just yet. I'm lying on the bed watching the ceiling fan spin, never tiring. The hotel phone is on the nightstand beside me; only a few numbers away from your voice. If it were simply a matter of picking up the phone and dialing, if it were just that easy, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would give anything just to hear you say my name, say anything. Your voice is so soothing, even from far away. But I have no idea what you think of me.

I have no idea if you think of me at all anymore.

At times, I think that maybe you will come looking for me. Maybe you'll stop by our usual haunts, or you'll walk into the office wondering if you'll see me at my desk. Maybe you'll walk into the hotel, ask for my name, ask for the name I used when we checked in. Maybe you'll wait in the lobby for me; maybe you'll run up to my room and into my arms. And this time, I'll be able to be yours. I'll make sure of it.

I know that it's a long shot for you to come find me.

But I haven't stopped hoping.


	5. Chapter 4

December 1999

"Do you love me?"

She almost didn't hear him, lost in her own little world as she watched the snow fall outside her window. She wondered if Grace was doing the same thing, if she was in the company of Will, if she was even home at all. But then she heard him, faint, soft, as if they were on opposite sides of the house. Karen was startled; it seemed so odd to her to hear that sentence come out of his mouth. She was the one to ask Grace that question, normally in jest, but once in a while there was a hint of doubt in her voice, as if she needed reassurance that what she was feeling was real, that Grace was feeling the same things. And now, as she turned her head to face her husband, she didn't know how to answer.

"What?" she asked him, hoping it would buy some time.

"Do you love me?"

She began to laugh, so slight, out of nervousness and the inability to speak. What exactly was she supposed to say to him? The truth? Well, actually, Stan, I'm not quite sure. You see, you're missing something that Grace is able to give me, but you're so familiar that I think I'll keep you around a little longer. Somehow, she knew that that would not go over very well with him.

"Stan…" she said, trailing off, waving it off. She couldn't lie to him. She couldn't tell the truth, either. She hoped that he would let it go, act like nothing happened and go back to their silent night, Karen counting the hours until morning when she would go to the office, Stan fading quietly into the background for the evening. But he stood up, moved towards Karen, and she wondered what he was going to do as he took her hand.

"I had a feeling." The look in his eyes didn't show anger or hate, more like sadness. It took all she had to look at him in this state. She felt his hand slip away from hers slowly as he walked away; she heard the door shut softly as he pulled it behind him on the way out. How did it ever come to this? What happened to the days when she was so taken by him that at night she asked herself how he could ever love her? She remembered times when she felt as if he was all she would ever need. She tried to pinpoint where everything seemed to turn, and a tear rolled down her cheek when she couldn't figure it out. Maybe it was a million little things that did it, maybe it happened and they were completely oblivious. But whatever it was, she knew that she would never feel the way she used to about Stan.

She took a breath, wiped the tears from her eyes, picked up the phone and dialed the numbers that would lead her to the voice that she knew would calm her.

"Hello?" Grace answered.

"Come over," Karen whispered and hung up the phone. She didn't have the energy to speak, hold the phone to her ear, but she needed Grace. She needed her to make it okay.

Grace opened the door, knew it would be unlocked, found Karen on the sofa by the window. She quickened her step until she reached her lover, sat down beside her and immediately took her in her arms. She could faintly hear Karen catching her breath, feel the tears land on her chest as Karen rested her head against Grace's body. Grace kissed the crown of her head and whispered into her ear, "What's wrong?"

Karen looked up at Grace and shook her head before she asked, "Do you love me?"

Grace took her face in her hands, kissed her tear-stained cheek before she replied, "I love you more than I could imagine loving anyone." She brushed her lips against Karen's, let them linger, not wanting to lose the feeling, as if this were the last time she would be able to kiss her.

They didn't realize that Stan had come back. They didn't see him watching their every move. They didn't know that he heard Karen ask the same question he asked her. They didn't notice that he had seen their kiss.

And they didn't notice him walking out of the house, pretending not to have seen anything.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 2001

You've been gone for a week and a half. I've counted the days. I've thought about where you might be, what you might be doing, who you might be with. I've cried myself to sleep almost every night, and I've lied to Will's face when he asked me what was wrong. I tried to find you, looking in windows and asking people I don't know if they might have seen you somewhere. Then I remembered the hotel we stayed at two years ago, our assumed names and the mornings we spent in each other's arms. I wondered if you thought about taking refuge there. I realized you probably wouldn't, that you must have forgotten the name of the building by now.

But maybe you haven't.

Last night, I dialed the number of the hotel, got the woman behind the desk. She was sorry, but there wasn't a Karen Walker there. I almost wanted to hang up, until I remembered the name you used during our little getaway. You were there. You were in a room only a few doors down from where we stayed, and I almost cried out in relief. I've been so worried about you, not knowing where you were or if you were safe, and to know that you were in this hotel made me feel so much better.

The woman on the other end let me know that you weren't in, asked me if I'd like to leave a message for you. I hesitated for a moment. What could I say? I don't know why you took off; for all I know, you ran off because of something I did or didn't do, something I did or didn't say that made your image of me change into something you didn't like. And if that was the case, how would you have taken a little note from me? Was it enough for me to just say, "Hi, I love you, I miss you, come back to me"? Even if you wanted me to find you, if the point of your leaving was to see which one of us, between me and Stan, was the devoted one and would move heaven and earth just to find you, would my message be able to live up to your expectations?

The woman asked me again if I would like to leave a message for you, wondered if I was still on the line. I guess I must have waited a bit too long. I took a deep breath, gave her my answer.

No. It's okay, I'll see if I can reach her later.

It's so dark out tonight, but this hotel seems so bright. I know you're in there. But I can't open the door and ask for your room. All I can do is stand here and wonder what you're doing, what you think of me. I want to know why you left, Karen. I want to know what I can do to make everything better. I want to walk into this building, find your room and walk through the door. I want to take you in my arms and kiss you, tell you I'll never let you out of my sight again. I want you to tell me that you'll never run away again, that when something's bothering you, you'll come to me and let me in on it.

But I can't help thinking that you might not want me to walk through the door.

Maybe tomorrow, I will have the strength, the guts to talk to you and find out what is going on inside your mind. Maybe after a night's sleep, I'll be able to set my mind straight and clear it so I can focus on getting to you. I hail a taxi, tell the driver to head towards Riverside Drive. I pay my fare, head into my apartment and climb into the comfort of my bed.

Tomorrow. It'll be tomorrow.

I hope.


	6. Chapter 5

February 2000

She hated him. For a moment, she truly hated him, blaming him for the fact that her relationship with Grace was becoming increasingly strained. She was lucky if she could get one phone call a week to her, and she knew that Grace would think it was her fault that Karen wasn't communicating. She would look over at Grace during work, watch her movements and knew that she thought that they were nearing the end. They hardly spoke during their time together, waiting for the other to break the silence, never making the first move when it didn't happen. And it was all because of him.

It wasn't so bad in the beginning, when he started spending more and more time with her. She even took a liking to it, much to her disbelief; they would spend the day together, but Karen was always able to sneak away at some point to dial the numbers that led to the voice she was so hopelessly addicted to. She feigned an interest in the places he took her, in the things he had them do together, giving him so many generic responses to it all that she truly thought him an idiot for believing her. But at that point, she could have cared less. As long as she could find some time in the day to call Grace, that was all she needed. She had explained to her what was going on with Stan, that he suddenly took an interest in their marriage for a reason she isn't quite sure of, and she wasn't sure she could get away to meet her. Grace understood, told Karen that as long as she could hear her voice, everything would work out.

But within a couple of weeks, it seemed as though Stan figured out that there were moments of the day when her mind could drift to other things, and he couldn't have that. He wouldn't let her go, and she so desperately needed to escape. Longing for a moment to slip away and grab the phone, she stopped faking her interest, hoping it would be enough for him to get the hint and let her go. And as the days went by, Grace slowly went from being right at her fingertips to being so far away she couldn't stand it. In their days together at the office, she would see the light from Grace's face begin to fade once she realized that they weren't quite in sync anymore. Her smile was no longer genuine; there was now a hint of sadness in it as she used it to hide her disappointment.

After nearly a month of rarely talking and an awkward air about the office, Grace finally broke the silence that had been dwelling on them for so long. At quitting time, she walked over to her lover's desk, knelt down to her level as she took a breath to speak.

"Karen…"

Karen looked into her eyes, gave her a slight, hopeful smile as she continued.

"How long can we really keep this going?"

"What? Gracie…"

"I knew that sooner or later, he would want you to himself. And it kills me, but I can't do anything about it. It's out of my power. I love you, but we can't keep going on like there isn't this sort of rift between us. Karen, we haven't had a decent conversation in a month. I think we need to face the fact that as much as we want to, we can't make this work anymore."

Karen had her mouth open so slightly, trying to force speech to come out, something to defend herself, the relationship, giving Grace the reasons why they were worth fighting for. But when she realized that she was rendered completely speechless, she stood up, grabbed her coat and her purse, and ran out the door, not looking back.

When Stan came home that night, he found his wife in the dark, sobbing with the phone in her hand, waiting for someone to pick up on the other end. After a moment, he heard her softly whisper "Grace" before hanging up the phone and lying down on the couch. And he realized that his attempts to keep his marriage alive were the things that were killing it. He walked over to her, knelt down and wrapped his arms around her as he whispered to her.

"I'm sorry." He let go and walked off to the bedroom as Karen fell asleep.

She didn't go to work the next morning, unsure how to face Grace after her speech the previous day, and instead spent her time trying to wrap her head around what had happened, what had been said, and tried to come up with something to make it better. She tried going through the motions of a typical day, tried to keep her mind from wandering towards Grace, until she watched the sun set and knew she had failed, wondering what Grace was doing, if she missed her, if she still loved her, or if she used the less than desirable circumstances of their relationship as an excuse to get out. Either way, she knew that if she didn't say something to her now, she would regret the fact that she didn't at least try to fight for them.

Before she knew it, Karen was at Grace's door, hoping to God that Will wasn't home. She didn't need him here for this, he didn't need to know. She knocked on the door and dared it to open. Once it did the slightest bit, she pushed it the rest of the way open to reveal Grace, and immediately took her in her arms.

"Karen…" Grace started.

She put her finger to Grace's lips, shook her head, began to smile. "If you thought," she whispered, "that I was going to let someone come between us like that, you must not have that much faith in me." She laughed a little as she saw Grace's lips curl up in a smile and tears began to well in her eyes.

"I just…hated the fact that I lost you like that," she replied.

Karen brushed her lips against Grace's, took solace in the familiar sensation she had for so long wanted to be reunited with before she spoke again.

"You could never lose me."

----------------------------------------------------------------

October 2001

The woman at the front desk that there was some woman that called last night, asking about me. She didn't give me a name, but I knew it was you. All this time away, and you still care. You still want me. You never cease to amaze me; you still love me after such a long time apart.

All this time to myself has forced me to put everything into perspective. It's forced me to live life without you, without your voice and your touch, your grasp on my hand at night. And it's made me realize something that I should have known all along. I may be scared of what you have been offering me, what you continue to give to me. But I'd rather have you in my life than having to live my life without the love you have for me.

I just don't know how to come back to you.

I want to leave this room, this hotel, and run into your arms. I want you to say my name and tell me you missed me while I promise you I won't run away again. But how can this happen so easily, when I was so ready to doubt what we had?

Maybe you'll call again and I'll be here. Maybe you'll come here and ask for me. Maybe we won't have to work so hard to get back to normal.

But somehow, I doubt that.


	7. Chapter 6

July 2000

It was everything she could ask for. Karen was free to leave whenever she pleased, never worrying if Stan would catch on or thinking of yet another believable excuse to feed him when she should be focusing on Grace's presence, her voice as it tries to invade her thoughts. He never asked questions anymore; he just assumed she was off to spend her night in the arms of the one she truly loved and hoped that Grace could give her what he apparently couldn't. He never mentioned it in the morning.

It was perfect.

But as months went on, Karen began to wonder if Stan began to fall out of love over time like she was with him, or if he had just given up, and it was eating her up inside. Their routine silence that was once a comfort had now become unbearable for her to live with. It was one thing if he was beginning to realize their mistake in marriage; if they both know it's only a matter of time before they reach their demise, there would be no harm in going out on her own. But if he still loved her, maybe there was still a bit of her love left for him.

The thing that bothered her the most about everything was the fact that if he did love her, he wasn't fighting for her the way he used to. Was it truly that easy to give up on her? And if it's this easy for him to just stop trying to get things back to the way they were, how simple would it be for Grace to do the same thing? How simple would it be for her to merely stop talking, being physically there but never emotionally or mentally? How easy was it to stop trying?

About a month ago, she tried to lure him into starting up the fight again, looking him straight in the eye and telling him exactly where she was going, as opposed to merely walking out the door, leaving him to assume. It would be a little different every night. "Stan, I'm going over to Grace's." "Grace and I are going to spend the night together." "I'm not sure if I'll be back tonight, so I'm just letting you know. Don't worry, I'll be safe, Grace will be with me."

She knew it was childish. She knew that she was only doing it to get his attention, to get validation. But at this point, she didn't know what else could work. Each night, she grew increasingly annoyed by the fact that Stan simply didn't say anything in response. She would speak a little louder, emphasize certain words just to make sure that her point was made. Tonight, though, she couldn't handle it anymore. Karen stormed throughout her home, the sound of the rain pouring outside in harmony with the rhythm of her footsteps as she was searching for Stan until she found him staring into the electric glow of the television. She walked in front of the screen, stood there waiting for him to pay attention.

"Look at me," she said sternly. His eyes locked on hers.

"I'm leaving to go over to Grace's for the night. Don't expect me back here in the morning. Will's visiting his mother for the weekend, so we'll finally be able to have time to ourselves without worrying about him finding out about us. If you have a problem with this, tell me now. I'm still going, but at least I'll know where I stand."

Silence. She took a step towards him.

"Did you hear me?" she demanded.

"Yes," he answered quietly. "I'm fine with it."

"You're fine with it. You're kidding me."

"Karen, what do you want from me?" he asked as he stood up to meet her and took her hand. "I know you want her. I know you're happy with her. What more can I do?"

She opened her mouth to speak, but could not figure out what to say. After a moment, she realized there was nothing else she could do but let her hand slip from his grip—it reminded her too much of Grace's at night, and she wasn't able to handle that memory in this moment—and silently make her exit.

Karen walked outside, made her way to the corner of the street and hailed a cab, her choice mode of transportation when making the trip to Grace's arms. As the cab drove off, heading for Riverside Drive, she was waiting to feel something, anything, to make her feel the least bit human. But she was completely numb.

She watched the rain fall against the window of the taxi as it rolled to a stop. One by one the raindrops landed on the glass, sliding down slowly while she traced their path with her finger. She wanted to feel them falling on her skin. And without taking her eyes off of the scene outside, she found her voice and spoke to the driver.

"Actually, I'll just get out here." She paid the driver and got out of the car. She was twelve blocks away from Grace.

The rain was able to do everything she couldn't on her own. She focused on the drops and was able to clear her mind. She was able to feel something; at that moment, she wasn't numb. But before she knew it, she was walking into Grace's building, taking the elevator and walking into Grace's apartment soaking wet, focusing on everything that happened at home once again.

"Karen, what happened?" Grace asked as she led Karen to her bedroom. She opened one of her drawers and pulled out a white t-shirt and jeans and handed them to Karen. "Here, put these on."

Karen changed into the dry clothes and faced a concerned Grace. She couldn't tell her about Stan, about what she had been doing for weeks now, trying to provoke him. But right then, she didn't need to. Grace took her in her arms, attempting to silently comfort her, and for the moment it worked.

But all she could do was wonder how long it would really work.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

October 2001

I watched as you stood at the corner, waiting for the light to turn. I saw you as you crossed the street and walked towards the hotel. I saw you as you opened the door and went inside, knowing that you were headed for your room. And I couldn't move.

It was like I was stuck, and you never saw me, so you couldn't come save me like I had hoped you would. But even if you did see me, I wouldn't blame you if you walked on by. I remember that night last year, when you showed up at my door drenched from the pouring rain. You didn't say a word that night, and I didn't bother to ask what was wrong. But what I remember most about that night was the fact that that was the point where we started to drift apart. It didn't matter if we didn't want it to happen; it started to anyway. And I'm the one who let it happen.

If I had asked what was bothering you that night, we could have fixed it and moved on. But I said nothing. I'm so sorry.

I wanted to follow you into the hotel tonight. But now, as I sink into the back seat of this cab, I know that it's going to take so much more than my wanting it to happen. I just wish I knew, I just wish I could ask you, like you've asked me so many times before.

Do you love me?

Do you still?


	8. Chapter 7

March 2001

She didn't really know how to handle this. It was the first time it ever happened, and it wasn't like she was ever expecting it in their relationship. She wanted to smile, she wanted to do something that wouldn't make it evident to Grace, but it just wasn't in her to lie like that. She wondered if Grace caught on, or if she was truly oblivious to the fact. Either way, she couldn't escape it.

When Grace kissed her, she couldn't feel it.

Karen wanted so badly to feel the spark that started the flame, like she had every other time Grace brushed her lips against her own. She wanted the room and everything in it to start fading away as they became the only two people in existence. She wanted everything she felt the first time Grace held her. But for the first time, she didn't experience all she had in the past. And it scared her to think about it.

They had fought everyone, it seemed, to get to this point, to get to where they didn't have to hide it from Stan, where they could take advantage of Will's business trips and other journeys that left Grace the apartment. They achieved all the freedom they were most likely going to. And Karen hated that she wasn't satisfied. She couldn't figure out why; she loved Grace, she only wanted to be with her, she knew that Grace was the only one to make her truly happy.

But tonight, she couldn't concentrate on the woman holding her hand, sitting right beside her, giving her everything just like every other night. She unwillingly focused on her thoughts. It felt like she wasn't in her own skin, like she was another person entirely. Someone who didn't have any real connection to Grace, but she'll go through the motions just to make her happy. No, take that back. She felt like the woman she was when she first met Grace. She didn't know where she stood with her, and she was trying to figure out how much she cared.

Grace couldn't see this, or if she did, she didn't let Karen know. She smiled, told Karen she loved her. Karen gave her a smile hoping to mask what was going on inside, until Grace laughed and said, "Do you love me?"

She knew it was a joke. She knew Grace was only doing it because she hadn't gotten to it first. But at that moment, she wished Grace would have said anything but that. She looked into her eyes to watch them shine as she smiled. Her laughter still danced in them even after it had stopped echoing in the room. Karen took a breath, and softly answered her.

"Of course."

As she felt Grace's arms fold her in, she knew she had convinced her. But she was starting to realize that maybe Grace wasn't the one she needed to convince.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

November 2001

Did you ever notice me slipping away?

Could you see it in my eyes as I went to kiss you? Could you hear it in my voice when I spoke to you? Were you able to feel it in the slight way my hands started to shake when you took them in your own? Or maybe I'm a better actress than I thought I was. Maybe it took you by complete surprise to wake up one Mid-October morning and find that I wasn't where I once was. No amount of searching gave you the result you wanted, and you never expected a new month to begin without me.

When I first noticed, I thought maybe it was just a fluke, that maybe this was just some odd random occurrence that will only happen once, then I could be done with it and go back to the way I was. But it wouldn't stop, and I didn't know how to make it go away. I wanted you to call me out on it. I wanted you to bring it to my attention like I wasn't aware of what was going on, so we could sit down and talk about it, because I figured if we bring it out into the open, it would disappear when it saw daylight. But you never did. And as much as I wanted to blame you to make it look like I wasn't the one destroying us, I couldn't. And I haven't been able to forgive myself for what I've done to you, to me, to us.

I remember those late nights in your apartment, staying awake under the covers of your bed, talking about the future, creating a perfect world where everyone knew about us and didn't care. You went on about how Will would be caring and supportive, and we would eventually find a place of our own. Sort of like our own little modern fairytale, complete with its happily-ever-after ending. And although we would never say it out loud, we knew we were only kidding ourselves. I knew Will would never go for the fact that we were in love. I know he finds me incredibly irritating, and although he is your best friend, it would take him a long time to finally be okay with it. But we had hope, you and I. We had hope that one day our fairytale would come true.

But I had to kill it.

It's something I've always done with people who are close to me. It comes from living with my mother, watching her do all those things to all those people. It made me realize that anybody could do this to me, that I could be a victim, and I didn't want that to happen. So instead of letting myself fall completely for someone, there would always be a point where I would begin to push away; I never know when it's going to happen, and every time I always delude myself into thinking that it will be different this time, but eventually I end up driving them away. It's why my past marriages didn't work out. It's why Stan and I don't talk anymore.

It's why I'm in this Greenwich Village hotel room instead of with you.

No. I can't let this happen. Not again. I still have time to save us. You're obviously not giving up on me. You found me. You called the hotel, you asked for me, you wanted to know where I am. If only you could see how much I am trembling right now, as I hold the phone to my ear and begin to dial your number. I count the rings it takes for you to pick up, if you do pick up, as if this could be the thing to calm me down.

One…two…Maybe you won't answer. Maybe it'll go to your answering machine and I can hang up. Even now, I don't know what I'm going to say to you.

Three…

"Hello?"

Oh god. What am I doing? I don't know what to say, how am I going to get through this?

"Hello?" I hear you repeat. I can only manage a whisper at this point, and I hope you're able to hear it.

"Gracie…"

"Karen? Oh my god." I can't do this, I can't do this. "I miss you so much." I can't do this. "I just want you to…"

"Gracie…" I interrupt. "I'm sorry…"

And I hang up, trying to figure out if I'm apologizing for the call or the fact that I messed it all up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Karen…oh god, to hear your voice again. You don't have to say anything.

I'm on my way.


	9. Chapter 8

Mid-October 2001

This is only hurting me, she thought.

She had it all planned out. She would wait until Grace was asleep, and when she knew that she wouldn't wake up, she would get out of bed, grab her things and get into the first taxi that would stop for her. If she were lucky, Grace wouldn't be aware of her absence until she woke up in the morning, which is what she planned all along. Karen knew she couldn't leave when Grace was awake, when she would watch her walk out the door; she didn't have the heart to leave her like that. Then again, she didn't think she had the heart to leave her at all.

Karen felt Grace's breathing even out and she knew that she was truly asleep. She took everything in one last time; Grace's grasp on her hand, the way her hair felt between Karen's fingers as she twirled it, the warmth of Grace's body against her skin. For a moment, she didn't want to leave. For a moment, she believed that if she waited until the sun rose in the morning and they woke up together, everything she was feeling right now would go away, and she would be able to learn to handle what's been troubling her the last few months.

But she soon realized that if she stayed, everything would start to hurt Grace as much as it was hurting her.

She was able to free her hand from Grace's grip, rolled out of bed without making a noise. She knew that Grace was a heavy sleeper and wouldn't wake up for just anything, but she didn't want to take any chances. If Grace were to wake up and find her in the middle of her exit, she wouldn't know what to do. Karen kept an eye on her sleeping lover nestled in between the sheets, freezing in mid-step whenever she turned on her side in slumber. When Grace settled down once again, she grabbed the only clothing she brought with her—the white t-shirt and jeans Grace gave her the night she walked in from the rain—and changed; she would figure out what to do for clothing once she left.

For a moment, she wondered if she should leave a note. But she knew that the reason she was doing this while Grace was sleeping was because she didn't know what to say.

She locked the door before closing it behind her; she left her key on the coffee table, as if she were leaving that small object the responsibility of explaining to Grace what went on during the night. A tear rolled down her cheek as she stopped at the corner of the street to hail a cab.

And as the cab drove off, she was heading toward sanctuary.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

November 2001

I know I shouldn't have done that. I should have realized it when I was dialing the numbers to your voice, but I can't take back what's happened. But I missed your voice. I missed my name spilling out of your lips and into my ear. I missed all the things you used to say to me on a daily basis. I missed you. And I guess a part of me thought that if I heard your voice, that feeling would go away. It only made me wish that you were next to me.

But if you were next to me, what would you even say? I know what I heard on the phone—that you miss me—but surely that was just a knee-jerk reaction to my call. What would happen if I was sitting in front of you in this hotel room, in your living room, in a coffee shop, wherever, and you were forced to look into my eyes as you spoke?

I honestly don't know. Lately, it seems that I don't know much of anything. Except for this: I made a mistake. I love you. I just want to come home.

Tell me that you want it too.

I mean really tell me, not just on the phone where you could pass off any sentence you come up with as the truth. Whisper it in my ear when you take me in your arms. Look me in the eye and say it just before you're about to kiss me. Give me every reason to believe you. You know I will anyway. And once I do, I'll give myself to you fully. I'll do anything you want me to do.

Anything to get myself back to where I belong.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

She thought she had dreamt it at first. She laid in her bed in the dark, listening to the sound of passing cars on the street, eyes closed to take it in, for so long she just assumed she fell asleep. And when she heard it, she opened her eyes and looked around the room to find that she was alone just as she started. But it started again, and she knew this time it wasn't a dream.

Two soft, gentle knocks on the door.

No. It's not her. It couldn't be. Karen had basically ended it with those two words, "I'm sorry." As if that small sentence could make up for all the damage that she caused. But she knew it never could, and she figured that Grace would take "I'm sorry" to mean "I can't do this anymore." It wasn't true, Karen knew that now, but there was no way of letting her know that. She already screwed up one phone call to Grace; there wasn't a need to make it worse by dialing those numbers again and fumbling for the right words once more like a fool. So Grace could not be at her door at this moment. Maybe it was someone from the lobby. Maybe someone just knocked on the door by accident, and they meant to surprise the person next door or across the hall.

But then she heard a voice through the door. Her voice.

"Karen?"

Oh god. It sounded like home, it sounded like safety. It sounded like everything she missed and everything she was afraid of coming back to. Maybe if she stood still, didn't make a sound, Grace would think that she's out, that she missed her and will walk off. How did she get to be like this? How did she get to be scared of the one thing that made her happy?

"Karen, please…"

No, this was wrong. She couldn't do this to her, not now. Not ever. Not after she put Grace through all of this. She might have pulled that sort of childish thing when they first met, but never today, after they've gone through so much together.

Slowly she walked towards the door, trembling more and more with each step. The metal of the doorknob chilled the palm of her hand as she turned it. She closed her eyes as the door opened, as if somehow this would make it easier.

"Oh, Karen." Much clearer than before.

She opened her eyes to find her standing there, the soft skin that used to brush up against her own, the red locks she used to twirl around her fingers before they went to sleep, the delicate hands that took hers in their grip and wouldn't let go. But she looked broken, and Karen instantly knew that she was the one to do that to her. She couldn't forgive herself.

Karen stepped into her shoes and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her. "Come on," she said quietly, "I know a place where we can go."


	10. Chapter 9

**NOTE: Lyrics from the Jill Hennessy song, "The Girl," are featured in italics in this chapter.**

**----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**

November 2001

_There's comfort in the silence of a back room late at night  
Drinking too much coffee, sipping wine in neon light_

She wouldn't have been able to talk to her at the hotel. It was hard enough facing the good memories they made while she was alone; if she let this one slip into the mix, she wouldn't be able to handle it. The mere thought of it led her to the near-empty café a few blocks away from the hotel. Karen knew this place well; she had occupied the table in the back corner at least once a week, not for the coffee, but to collect her thoughts in a place that didn't remind her of Grace. She knew that it wasn't crowded late at night and once they gave you what you ordered, they could care less that you were here. It was the perfect place to take her.

They took seats across from each other at Karen's usual table after Grace paid for her coffee. Karen watched as Grace's fingers ran up and down her cup, around the rim, and wondered if she only bought the drink so she had something to occupy her hands with. Her own fingers twitched slightly on the table with the desire to just grab a hold of Grace's hand and not let go. But she wondered if it would be too soon to make that move, if she should even make that move at all. She put her hands in her lap before taking a look at the woman in front of her.

What Karen thought: I need to do something, say something, anything. Oh god, she's beautiful. She won't take me back; I put her through too much. I don't deserve it. She still has that scent of lavender and vanilla about her. I wish I knew how to make this okay.

What she said: "So…"

Grace made eye contact with her for the first time since they entered the café. They looked so sad, and the lighting in the place seemed to accentuate that fact. They were the windows to her broken soul, and Karen had to turn away for a second, unable to handle the fact that she was the one to cause all of the damage. Grace took a breath, like she was gathering enough air to run off everything that could possibly be said in a moment like this.

What she said: "Why?"

Karen looked at her, taken aback by her response. One word, but such a loaded one. She knew that this conversation wasn't going to be easy, but she wasn't expecting to be rendered speechless on the first question. It took some time, but she finally got out her answer.

"I thought I knew when I left, but now I realize I never did. I wish I had an answer for you."

"That's a lie." The statement startled the both of them; Karen because she was called out, Grace because she was the one to do it. They let silence fill the space around them until Grace decided to break it once again. "Why?" she repeated.

To go into this now…could she really explain it to her? Would Grace actually understand it? Her mind was playing small memories she had of Grace in her head, like a movie reel, playing a film she can't look away from. And she realized that it wouldn't matter if Grace understood; she wanted an answer no matter what.

"I was scared," she began. She could tell that Grace was about to respond, but she continued right away so that she wouldn't have a chance to speak. "I knew you wouldn't understand. I was never ready for all the things I was supposed to be with Stan. I thought that when he first met me, he would take me for me. And it took me so long to finally realize that he had been slowly transforming me into the person he wanted me to be, the person I was supposed to be if I ever wanted to be in a relationship with him."

"Karen…" Grace said, hoping she would be able to speak before Karen went on.

"But then I met you. God, Grace, you showed me everything I could have if I wasn't attached to him, and you only shook my hand. And the night I finally told you…I felt so free. You gave me everything I wanted without even realizing it. But then I started to. And it scared me. I was so used to being the woman I had turned into to meet Stan's needs, that for a moment, I forgot how to be anyone else, and when you started to ease me back into the person I once was, I freaked. And I didn't know what else to do except run. It's all I really know how to do."

"What do you mean?"

"When your mother packs her bags and leaves once things take a turn for the worst, you pick up a thing or two."

Silence.

Karen knew that they wouldn't go back to normal right away. She knew that it would take some time to heal before they entered the familiar once again. She knew she wasn't going to get an "I love you" out of Grace tonight. But she wanted, at the very least, to hear the words Grace gave her on the phone. She wanted to hear those words that came so sweetly, so easily to her ear before. I miss you so much. I just want you to…what? Why had Karen interrupted her? She would give anything for those words to ring in her ears once again. Maybe if she said it first.

"Gracie, I…"

"How did we get like this?" Grace interrupted. "I'm just thinking back on when we first got together…we were so far from this. We used to say everything to each other. Now we can barely make five minutes worth of conversation. Is this what you saw in our future?"

"It's all my fault."

"Maybe."

Karen just sat there, stunned. On some level, she figured that Grace would blame her for this. After all, she was the one to leave, the one to check into the hotel, the one to hold off calling until nearly a month after she left. She had felt the tears welling up in her eyes since they started talking, but this…this was the thing to force them to fall.

Grace looked away; she couldn't bear to see Karen in tears. It was so rare that it seemed unnatural, like a moment that wasn't meant for anyone but Karen herself. Her voice softened as she continued to speak, hoping to make up for the blame she didn't mean to put on her.

"I just…there are so many things I've been wanting to say to you, and now that we're here, I just don't know where to start. Seeing you here…you look different to me."

Karen's voice began to crack as she finally found the strength to take Grace's hand in hers. "It's still me. After all I put you through, everything that's happened, it's still me."

Silence.

Grace didn't take back her hand. She used the other one to pick up her coffee cup and put it to her lips. The coffee was growing cold, but she didn't care. She needed to buy time to figure out what to say. As she set the cup back down, she finally managed to speak.

"So, what do we do now?"

Karen looked into her eyes. "Just tell me what you need to say."


	11. Chapter 10

November 2001

"When I woke up that morning and didn't feel you next to me, I knew. I knew that you weren't just in the living room or just getting ready for the day, I knew that I wouldn't find you if I walked out of the bedroom. And when I saw your key on the coffee table, I knew you weren't coming back. I wanted to be angry with you. I wanted to be so pissed off that I wouldn't care that you left. But every time I thought of you, I just wanted you back. I was outside the hotel at one point; I don't know if you saw me that night. I wanted to go in, Kare, you don't know how much I wanted to go in. But I knew that there was a reason you left, and that I was most likely a part of it. I just don't want to be without you anymore."

Karen had closed her eyes while she spoke, as if this would protect her from any harsh words Grace had for her. But when she heard that last sentence, she opened them and cracked a smile for the first time since she left. "What did you just say?" she asked, wanting Grace to repeat it, just so she could hear it again.

Grace gave her a half smile. "You heard me," she joked. Her smile gave her voice a brighter tone. She knew what Karen wanted. "I just don't want to be without you anymore." She got up from her seat and moved towards Karen, kneeling down to her level as she watched her lover's smile grow wider. She used her free hand to brush Karen's hair back, to see her eyes shine. She was beginning to look like the woman she fell in love with.

Karen kissed the palm of Grace's hand before Grace brushed it against her cheek. "Gracie," she whispered. "I'm so…" Grace put a finger to her lips and shook her head. She didn't need her apology; she knew the moment they walked into the café how much she was hurting, how much she wanted to take everything back, how much she wanted to wake up in the morning like this whole thing never happened, with Grace's grip on her hand and their voices heavy with sleep as they say "Good morning" to each other. She brushed her lips against Karen's, let them linger there for a moment as she remembered the last time they were in an embrace like this.

It was the night before she left. Before they went to bed, before Grace closed her eyes and gave Karen the opportunity to slip away. Karen had been distant the entire night, and at the time, she was completely clueless as to why. But it was in the moment right before they went to sleep where Karen seemed to open up. Grace turned down the sheets on the bed as she heard her footsteps coming closer. She looked up to find Karen in the doorway, bracing herself against the frame with a look of such intensity on her face, as if she were studying Grace's features like she anticipated some sort of pop quiz. Before she knew it, Karen wrapped her in her arms and kissed her in a way Grace never experienced before.

If she had known that the kiss meant goodbye, she would have let it last longer, instead of pulling away and laughing out a "What's gotten into you?" as a joke before climbing into bed.

But now, this kiss, met with the same intensity, took on a whole other meaning. This was a kiss of reunion, a kiss that meant that Karen was back for good. A kiss that meant they didn't have to be alone anymore. A kiss that meant that they were free.

Grace reluctantly pulled away but kept close to Karen's warmth. She craved it; she had gone so long without it that now she felt like however much she got of it was never going to be enough. She wiped away Karen's tears and gave her a smile before speaking.

"So…what do we do now?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to take you back here. I wanted my memories of this place to stay bright; I wanted them to keep your presence within them. They're what kept me company for the time I was without you. I would wake up and picture the first day we arrived, when I was lying on the bed while you took in our surroundings. As the sun was shining in through the window, I thought of you looking out at the view before I would wrap my arms around your waist and join you. And before I went to bed, I thought of you whispering in my ear that you love me, like it was some great secret that was only meant for the both of us. I guess back then it actually was. But we were so happy then that it didn't really matter if we were the only ones in on it. We had all we needed.

For a moment, it feels like we have gone back in time when we enter the hotel together. You look different. You're not the same woman who was at my door. You're not the same woman who I took to the café. You don't seem broken anymore, like that one kiss we shared was the thing to fix what I so carelessly damaged. Your eyes are shining in the light of the hotel lobby in the way they used to when I first took you in my arms. And as we wait for the elevator, you take me by the waist and bring me closer, as if you're thinking of our first night here, too, and recreating the moments we shared before we first entered our room.

From time to time, I wondered if memories of our getaway ever slipped your mind. Now I know that you think of them as often as I do.

I wasn't staying in the same room as we did, but it looked exactly like the one we occupied that week. I guess that's why it was so easy to picture you in this room when I needed to. And when you walk in, I know you could see it too.

It's like we never left.

You start to walk around, taking everything in, just like before, and I take my place on the bed to give it the full effect. Only now, this moment, is different. This moment is truly perfect. There's no longer anything holding us back. Stan won't be calling like he did that night, he won't be squeezing his way into the time we share together. I no longer have any ties to him. The night I left him, left you, he looked into my eyes and let me know that he realized it was over. If it had happened at another time, I probably would have been more satisfied. And now that I have had this time to think everything over, I know that we are on our way to being truly happy with no conditions.

You haven't told Will about us. But we will figure that out in time. Even if he doesn't take it well in the beginning, he'll come back to you. He always does. But we don't need to worry about that now. Tonight, we will be in each other's arms. Tonight, we will only have each other, against the shine of moonlight and the sounds of nightlife below us. That's all we ever really needed.

I watch you as you walk from corner to corner, your back turned towards me as you run your fingers along the surfaces of the dresser, the little television they provide. You look over at me and give me a smile, like you're willing me to say it, to truly make it like our very first day here.

"Gracie…" You begin to walk towards me as the smile on my face creeps even further across my face. "I just love the way you move."

With that, you're on the bed with me, and I find your features hovering above me, your red locks sweeping against my shoulders as you lower yourself to kiss me. It's hard to believe that just an hour ago, I was in fear of losing you over my stupidity. Your lips begin to crawl down my neck as I whisper to you.

"I missed you so much."

I swear, your eyes are the brightest things in this room. You look at me, ask me that one question, so familiar, because I didn't get to it first.

"Do you love me?"

I bring you closer to me, to feel your warmth, before whispering in your ear.

"More than I could ever love anyone."


End file.
